6 degrees of COVID-19

You know that 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon game that used to be a thing? I feel like we are doing that now but with COVID-19. Six degrees of COVID-19. I know someone who has it and I went through a list - have I seen them in 14 days - no - do I know someone who has and then I have seen - who knows. I feel like I should have one of those murder boards with red and white string in my bedroom. Trying to rationalize the unrational.


How do we cope with this? Pandemic (Pan makes me think of a elvish boy
playing the flute) demic is scary like epidemic, academic(haha), or
our current pandemic. 

I have tied this pandemic up in chains and
thrown him in the spare closet of my mind where I keep the things I
don't want to look at too closely. So far so good. However, to be fair
I am medicated for my anxiety and my meds are currently working. I had
a few bad moments before I chained the pandemic and threw it in the
closet but since then I've been looking at the positive. Like Mr.
Rogers said - look for the good.
I mean his quote was better and I could look it up but why don't you?
It's more fun that way - leave the reader guessing they say. Who this
mysterious they is I'm not sure - again feel free to look it up.

Sometimes I think the reason I'm good at things is because I have
taken discrete Googling and made it an art form. Oh you don't know the
answer? By the time you've finished asking I've googled it and can
recite it to you as though I've always known.
I'm so blessed and lucky to still be working. But like all those who
are working (I think - I can't pretend to know what everyone is
thinking) it's hard to focus. There is this thing lurking in the
blackness behind my consciousness. Someone I know just got COVID-19. I
have to think back to all my encounters with everyone over the last 2
weeks. What if I am a carrier? What if someone I know is? It's too big
to think of - back in the closet stop sneaking out like a kid wanting
a bedtime snack. Then back to work - semi new routine. I built a desk
in my bedroom and I actually love it.

I'm an introvert and all this not peopling is making me feel amazing.
I worry I'll draw into isolation and by the time the social distancing
is over I won't know how to converse anymore. I'll be in mental
distancing - how long until that will go away? Will it? It is so nice
to say no thank you I won't come to a random child's birthday party -
pandemic. Sorry can't come over - pandemic. It's an amazing excuse. I
do feel horrible about using it as an excuse because people are dying
but it is a spectacular one.

I'm writing to myself

I think the most depressing thing about the internet is not that everyone sees everything you post but that you can see that literally 3 people since 2015 have seen what you have written.  I get it - you have to write to be a good writer. You have to publish relevant content to be a blogger. There is an 8 year old with like a 22 Million net worth that my daughter loves to watch on YouTube so maybe blogging isn't even a thing anymore and I'm a weird millenial that writes. So I'm writing for me. Not you - the you that isn't reading this.

Here I go again ....

Surprise! I didn't keep writing on this blog.  I am starting again - I think my last post was in 2017. So what's new. I have a Bachelor's degree. A 3rd child who is currently crying because I won't let him touch the keys. I have more self awareness but not necessarily more self control or mindfulness although I certainly feel the need more acutely for these things. dsfa

Any funny typing is the 1 year old.

I journal now more than I ever have. I'd like to continue that but possibly do some of my journaling online. I don't know why. I don't think anyone reads this. But sometimes it's nice to put it out there.

So post 1- 2019 comes to an end in mere days and I'm reflecting a lot back to 2000/1999. It's been 20 years. I was 17 and high on that New Year's Eve. I will be 37, sober, and likely asleep this year on New Year's Eve - with 3 kids (hopefully also asleep).

I own a home and have a shit ton of credit card debt to go with my student loan debt. That's my monster under the bed. The thing I don't want to talk about. The secret shame I keep locked up.
I fell prey to the dopamine high I get from shopping. No more drugs for me. I get high on new Coach bags or carts of random Target goods. This is socially acceptable - not talking about it and just buying I mean. Talking about debt and how we are going to fix it isn't as socially acceptable unless you are doing the new debt reduction tool (like the new diet) we buy a book to save money. This is backwards.

This year I'm not going to diet. I'm not going to do any get rich quick schemes. I'm just going to be me. Love me and work on only spending money where I need to. And I define need as narrowly as possible. I need groceries, gas, daycare. I can treat myself with the gift cards I received to my hair/nails place. I don't need a new couch, new bedding, new vacuums (yes I bought 4 last year - returned 2).

I will deal with my emotions in healthy ways.

Life

Well, yet again, I have gained more weight since my last post. I was doing great on LCHF(low carb) and then I fell off the wagon hard!

And I have been very procrastinatey about re starting. I understand in my head that I can't continue the way I am. I need to make a change.

I am starting a yoga practice. By that I mean that I am beginning to practice learning yoga. I want to learn yoga for the spiritual benefits. I want to feel more fully me. I want to take time away from my phone, from TV, from work and just live in the moment.

I am happier now than I have been but I feel like life is just slipping by. I want to slow down and enjoy it.

I hope that Yoga can help me.

I hope that being more aware and mindful can help me create habits which will lead to "lifestyle changes" which will result in weight loss and feeling healthier.

Time for a change

I've gained even more weight. I now weigh the most that I ever have 302.2 as of this morning. That's insane. My knees hurt - I'm tired all the time - (possibly because of the recent shift change to second shift) I eat when I'm bored, sad, happy, mad, I just mindlessly put food in my mouth. I can know going through the drive through that I have neither the money, nor the desire for the food I'm about to get but I buy it and eat it anyway....WHY?

I don't know. Part anxiety//depression disorder, part habit, part addiction, part lack of initiative to finally make a permanent change. Is it that I know in order to stop I am going to have to face things I don't want to face & do things I don't want to do?

Perhaps.

I sit all day at work. Sometimes 12 hours a day just sitting. How do I make up for that when I get home I have no energy even though I've sat literally all day I'm exhausted. Then I sit some more & read or watch TV.

I need to find a creative habit that keeps me active. Something I can do that is fun but doesn't involve sitting or eating.

It's only going to get worse once school starts and I have homework - if I let it get worse - no not if I let it - if I passively sit by and don't make a change.

I don't even want to be in pictures with my daughter because I look bad. She's going to look back at her 2 year old pictures and think I wasn't even here this year.

So I went to the library today and there are 70 bajillion diet, exercise, & self help books. How do I start? Where do I start? How do I take this process and make it less overwhelming? Maybe it is supposed to be overwhelming - but really there are plant only diets, raw only, paleo, primal, gluten free, grain free, red meat, mediterranean, clean,  21 day, 10 day, juicing, meal replacement, hormone balancing, vitamin enhancing.

How do you know which one is right?

MLK Day

So since it's #mlk day I've been seeing a lot of quotes on Facebook and I've even posted one myself. I saw one that really made me think and reflect.

I think this is certainly what I did when I moved to Chesapeake. But it's also what I've done just recently when we moved to Ohio - and I think the Ohio move was more on faith. I quit my job and moved however many miles it is from North Carolina to Ohio and we are staying with family while we are looking for work and a place to live permanently. That is a gigantic leap of faith, and we can't see where we are going to land right now. We don't know how our story ends. But taking that leap of faith, or first step up the staircase, was so important. I have faith that everything will work out for the good. It might take time, it might be hard(it already is hard), but I'm learning and we are growing as a family and I'm growing personally. 

It's exciting and frightening all at the same time. There are so many things that I need to learn and I'm excited for this part of our journey. Part of me wants to skip to the end, like when you want to read the end of a mystery book first to know who the killer is, just so I will know how it ends. But that's faith...I believe that we will be taken care of. Life might not be easy - but I don't think we would appreciate it if it was easy. I've seen people who have everything handed to them and they are miserable. There isn't an easy route to fulfillment. The happiness must be found in the journey - or it won't be found at all.  

Biggest Loser

I love watching the Biggest Loser. I don't really know why. I mean most of the contestants gain their weight back...but I just get sucked in. It seems like the people with the best chance of winning are those with fitness backgrounds who just gained weight recently or due to a traumatic event. The ones who have always been overweight will do ok on the show but possibly not as well long term.

That's hard for me because I'm one of the people who has usually been overweight....and I hope I randomly lose weight while eating chocolate and watching Biggest Loser? Seems unlikely.