Here I go again ....

Surprise! I didn't keep writing on this blog.  I am starting again - I think my last post was in 2017. So what's new. I have a Bachelor's degree. A 3rd child who is currently crying because I won't let him touch the keys. I have more self awareness but not necessarily more self control or mindfulness although I certainly feel the need more acutely for these things. dsfa

Any funny typing is the 1 year old.

I journal now more than I ever have. I'd like to continue that but possibly do some of my journaling online. I don't know why. I don't think anyone reads this. But sometimes it's nice to put it out there.

So post 1- 2019 comes to an end in mere days and I'm reflecting a lot back to 2000/1999. It's been 20 years. I was 17 and high on that New Year's Eve. I will be 37, sober, and likely asleep this year on New Year's Eve - with 3 kids (hopefully also asleep).

I own a home and have a shit ton of credit card debt to go with my student loan debt. That's my monster under the bed. The thing I don't want to talk about. The secret shame I keep locked up.
I fell prey to the dopamine high I get from shopping. No more drugs for me. I get high on new Coach bags or carts of random Target goods. This is socially acceptable - not talking about it and just buying I mean. Talking about debt and how we are going to fix it isn't as socially acceptable unless you are doing the new debt reduction tool (like the new diet) we buy a book to save money. This is backwards.

This year I'm not going to diet. I'm not going to do any get rich quick schemes. I'm just going to be me. Love me and work on only spending money where I need to. And I define need as narrowly as possible. I need groceries, gas, daycare. I can treat myself with the gift cards I received to my hair/nails place. I don't need a new couch, new bedding, new vacuums (yes I bought 4 last year - returned 2).

I will deal with my emotions in healthy ways.