Time for a change

I've gained even more weight. I now weigh the most that I ever have 302.2 as of this morning. That's insane. My knees hurt - I'm tired all the time - (possibly because of the recent shift change to second shift) I eat when I'm bored, sad, happy, mad, I just mindlessly put food in my mouth. I can know going through the drive through that I have neither the money, nor the desire for the food I'm about to get but I buy it and eat it anyway....WHY?

I don't know. Part anxiety//depression disorder, part habit, part addiction, part lack of initiative to finally make a permanent change. Is it that I know in order to stop I am going to have to face things I don't want to face & do things I don't want to do?

Perhaps.

I sit all day at work. Sometimes 12 hours a day just sitting. How do I make up for that when I get home I have no energy even though I've sat literally all day I'm exhausted. Then I sit some more & read or watch TV.

I need to find a creative habit that keeps me active. Something I can do that is fun but doesn't involve sitting or eating.

It's only going to get worse once school starts and I have homework - if I let it get worse - no not if I let it - if I passively sit by and don't make a change.

I don't even want to be in pictures with my daughter because I look bad. She's going to look back at her 2 year old pictures and think I wasn't even here this year.

So I went to the library today and there are 70 bajillion diet, exercise, & self help books. How do I start? Where do I start? How do I take this process and make it less overwhelming? Maybe it is supposed to be overwhelming - but really there are plant only diets, raw only, paleo, primal, gluten free, grain free, red meat, mediterranean, clean,  21 day, 10 day, juicing, meal replacement, hormone balancing, vitamin enhancing.

How do you know which one is right?

MLK Day

So since it's #mlk day I've been seeing a lot of quotes on Facebook and I've even posted one myself. I saw one that really made me think and reflect.

I think this is certainly what I did when I moved to Chesapeake. But it's also what I've done just recently when we moved to Ohio - and I think the Ohio move was more on faith. I quit my job and moved however many miles it is from North Carolina to Ohio and we are staying with family while we are looking for work and a place to live permanently. That is a gigantic leap of faith, and we can't see where we are going to land right now. We don't know how our story ends. But taking that leap of faith, or first step up the staircase, was so important. I have faith that everything will work out for the good. It might take time, it might be hard(it already is hard), but I'm learning and we are growing as a family and I'm growing personally. 

It's exciting and frightening all at the same time. There are so many things that I need to learn and I'm excited for this part of our journey. Part of me wants to skip to the end, like when you want to read the end of a mystery book first to know who the killer is, just so I will know how it ends. But that's faith...I believe that we will be taken care of. Life might not be easy - but I don't think we would appreciate it if it was easy. I've seen people who have everything handed to them and they are miserable. There isn't an easy route to fulfillment. The happiness must be found in the journey - or it won't be found at all.  

Biggest Loser

I love watching the Biggest Loser. I don't really know why. I mean most of the contestants gain their weight back...but I just get sucked in. It seems like the people with the best chance of winning are those with fitness backgrounds who just gained weight recently or due to a traumatic event. The ones who have always been overweight will do ok on the show but possibly not as well long term.

That's hard for me because I'm one of the people who has usually been overweight....and I hope I randomly lose weight while eating chocolate and watching Biggest Loser? Seems unlikely.

January

So I just read my last post...I'm pretty sure I"ve gained 20lbs since that post and I absolutely haven't dieted or exercised. I started and stopped Yoga and didn't even make it to the gym (except the one time I went in to cancel my membership).

Since it's January and time for resolutions I'm going to resolve to stop dieting this year. I'm going to start logging my food on MyFitnessPal again and I'm going to walk - probably. 

At church we are doing a 28 day fast which is perfect. It's not too long or too short. It starts today and goes until the end of January. I'm fasting from pop and from games on my phone. I've deleted all the time waster games. Even the fun ones and the one where I've been stuck on the same level since Saturday and I really wanted to beat it. Deleted from my phone. That way I can't "forget" that I'm not supposed to play them. 

So my goal is each time I would pick up my phone to play a random time wasting game I'm going to do something else instead. Like go for a walk. Talk to my kids. Write a blog post. Write something else. Read. Pray. Interact with the world. Meditate. Pretty much anything else. My only other rule is that I shouldn't just use that time to Facebook or Pinterest instead. Because that would defeat the point. 

We shall see how well I do. I did have flavored coffee today...which still isn't pop. But it was delicious.